Sex and Marriage

While I was a teenager my father took me a couple of times into his study to give me some personal guidance about sex.  He basically warned me to use my developing sexuality only in the context of marriage. These must have been the tensest and most awkward talks we ever had, for him probably just as much as for me.  In the end he gave me a booklet to read. It did not explain to me how it all was supposed to work; such books were in the public library. And because these were ‘dirty books’, I was not allowed to visit the public children’s library.

Some twenty five years later, as a married man, I had to teach about the science of human reproduction, first in Christian high school, and later in a public high school. Yet, it was still very awkward for me to talk with my own children about these things, especially about the moral side of it.  Somehow the old stigmas and taboos came back to mind, even while I tried to be relaxed about it. 

Because it was a cultural-religious taboo, there was little or no public discussion on these issues. At the time I was trying to form a biblical perspective on issues in geography and science. So, I wrote some articles on related topics for the magazine “Reformed Perspective”. When I came to the topic of birth control, however, there was some serious hesitation among the editorial committee. It was the first time somebody publicly wrote about the use of condoms.

I am concerned that the silence of the churches and their leaders has not helped to safeguard a culture of sexual purity but rather it allowed much sexual impurity to come in through the back door.  When the young people began to do the things young people do, it was often hushed up as private sin, which the church should not deal with. Some couples, who were not successful in hiding their sinful acts, were paraded as shameful examples of sinful living.  Yet, I wonder now: was it not unfair or even hypocritical to discipline members after they have committed sins if the church did not first give clear public and private guidance and instruction in these matters?  In my upbringing, sexuality was never openly discussed in meetings of church leaders with parents of teenagers or meetings of church leaders with the teenagers themselves.  Sure, it was supposed to be obvious that premarital sex was sinful, but the rationale was rarely explained or discussed.  (I remember about fifteen years ago how I heard a senior pastor preach on Matthew 1, where the only application seemed to be, “See, we ought not to have sex before marriage.”  Although I agreed with the statement, I was appalled by the outrageous reductionism of this amazing chapter!) And because these things are often still not openly discussed, young people in love tend to just look around to see what their friends are doing and other young people in the church are getting away with.  The elders and parents may guess that ‘something wrong is going on’; meanwhile the youth has decided already what is right for them.

While I was student at (a Christian) teachers’ college, I was looking into these issues. Most of the young people in the church seemed to use the church’s teaching to set restrictions in their lives; “the law” tells us which things are unlawful for us.  Meanwhile, evangelical youth were taught to ask, “In what way can I best serve and please my God?”  It seemed to me and others in my church that the Bible’s “Song of Solomon” was not condemning the idea of running off with a lover- ‘to make love’.  In fact, at that time I understood our Bible teacher to agree that the Bible does not forbid premarital sex (as long as they get married afterwards).  One or two years later, when I lived on my own as a Christian school teacher, my family doctor encouraged me to have sex with my girl friend. When I told him I was a Christian, he replied, “There are so many traumas among young people like you.  I am telling you (as medical expert) to relax and enjoy sex.” I was shocked to get immorality as a medical prescription. I don’t think I seriously considered his advice.  That does not mean that there was no sexual desire which I had to struggle with, but I knew that my friends and closest community would frown upon ‘such loose morals and this helped me to resist temptations in this area.

I am very grateful that I did not heed my doctor’s advice, for God did not intend me to continue the relationship with my girl friend at that time.  So, when He presented to me the bride of His own choosing, Marioka, I could accept her without a tainted past.  Looking back, it is very clear that God orchestrated this new relationship and had protected my purity for it.  When we agreed to pursue a relationship towards marriage, we promised each other not to have sex until our marriage would be consummated.  So, when a few times our intimacy became too strong, we would remind each other of the agreement we had made. Also, when we went together on a trip to western Canada, we took the necessary precautions, so we each brought and used our own tent.

When the day came that we requested our pastor to marry us, he told us he had to ask whether or not we “had slept together”. We could tell him without reservation that we had not.  As far as I remember this was the first time an elder openly asked us about it.  Later I thought: this was wrong.  If the elders were really serious about godly living among the couples in the church, they should have had a meeting with us early on.  Yet, then I wonder: is it possible for a church to guard the purity of their young people without become legalistic and promoting hypocrisy?

About seven years into our marriage I was at a staff Christmas party where I got as present a copy of Keith Green’s biography (No Compromise).  I read it, and I loved it. It finally gave me an intimate look into the walk and talk of evangelical Christians.  Many things appealed to me. Among other things, I was happily surprised to see that Keith, after he became a Christian, decided to move out of his girlfriend’s apartment. At first she thought it was a crazy idea, but Keith told her that God had put it on his heart to marry before they would sleep together again. This amazed me! Keith -as a newborn Christian- had a clear sense of God’s will in holy living while most young people in our church seemed to challenge their leaders and teachers to prove to them that God forbids premarital sex.  Another seven years later we were attending a (Reformed) Baptist church. Here, the teaching was very clear and public: God condemns unholy living of this kind. The pastor told me that when young people challenged him on this point, he would not argue from biblical proof texts but rely on the work of the Spirit.  “Look, if you really seek to do God’s will (rather on insisting to follow your own desire), then go to three most godly people you know, and ask them for advice. Then, without further protestation, you do what they suggest!”

The sad thing is that, whether you’re in Europe or in North America, most churches seem to be silent on the topic. In other words, they do not give any real guidance or direction to their young people. In many churches it is seen as ‘lost ground’, which could never be regained without losing many members.  And in many or most churches, they love to have revival, but not at the cost of seeing more people leave the church.  A few years ago, we had a young woman in our church (in China), Shelley, who publicly announced that unless and after God would provide her with a godly partner in marriage, she would refrain from any sexual activity. I really admire this young woman; without any public support and against her culture, family, and peer pressure, she is committed to follow Christ in every aspect of her life. A Canadian colleague, who regularly visited our church, shared with us her disappointment that, in her efforts for pure living, churches rarely offered any encouragement or support.  So, I wondered, why can we not have a Promise Keepers movement among Christian young people to offer mutual support for those who want to follow Christ all the way and need our encouragement to do so?

Five years ago, a Philippine church planter here in China talked to me about these issues. This was just after they had lost a leader who had gotten pregnant by an unbelieving boy friend.  When I suggested that the Bible does not give clear instructions on premarital sex, he vehemently disagreed. The Bible clearly condemns ‘porneia’, which means the surrendering of sexual purity outside of marriage.  So, after some time I did some research on the Internet and discovered that all but the most liberal critics agree on the meaning of the term.  How come I never learned this in our churches?

The term ‘porneia’ is one of the key terms to know about the Bible’s standard for sexual morality.  It is usually translated as ‘fornication’, but this is an archaic term; most (young) people would not really know its meaning.  The Bible forbids it, but what is the thing that is forbidden?  Part of the problem is that the term meant different things to different people groups at different times.  I found Kyle Harper’s research paper helpful as a guide.

“Porneia: The Making of a Christian Sexual Norm”, Kyle Harper, JBL 131, no. 2(2011): 363-383.

Originally the term referred to prostitution. In the Greco-Roman world it was used for any non-respectable woman, selling sex to make a living.  In that culture it was seen as something good as it satisfied an existing demand without endangering the respectable women in society. (Some scoffers use this original meaning to suggest that Paul only forbids explicit prostitution by women, selling their sexual services.)

After Jewish prophets frequently spoke (by God’s inspiration) of idolatry as spiritual porneia (Israel as God’s bride giving herself to other gods), Hebrew culture began to broaden the meaning of the term.  Although sex with slaves was still exempted, it now applied to all extra-marital sex, committed by females or by males.  And, during the second-temple-era (From the exile until Paul’s death), the literature shows that the term was further broadened to include sex with slaves.

This is the context in which Paul writes. Therefore it makes sense that he advised those who struggled with sexual desires to get married!  In the surrounding Greco-Roman culture the typical advice would have been, “If you have sexual desires, find yourself a prostitute!”

The sad thing is that today the impression is given that only elderly stuck-in-the-mud conservatives still believe that sex outside marriage is condemned by God. But this is not the case! After we took the Alpha course, I read Nicky Gumbel’s book and I listened to the teaching of Nicky and Sila Lee. These Anglican leaders in contemporary ministry agree that sex before marriage is not according to the will of God!  Timothy Keller, who is very reluctant to defend mere traditions if they would hinder seekers to come and listen to the Gospel, makes no excuses either. He sees that the Bible requires us to live in covenant.  “The main condition of marriage is a binding covenant” and “sex is sacred because it constitutes a covenant renewal ceremony.”* Keller agrees that “porneia refers to any other sex other than sex with your own spouse. In other words, while adultery is always fornication, fornication includes premarital sex as well as extramarital sex or adultery.”  Furthermore, he argues that our sexual lifestyle has a direct relationship on what we believe about God.  Intimacy requires a complete whole-life commitment.  In one of his sermons, Keller reminds us that only in the most recent decennia in the enlightened western world have (some) churches stopped teaching that “God forbids extramarital sex”. Those who continue teaching this should not feel they are living at the margins of the church, for ‘the church of all times and places’ is in full agreement on this point!

What has triggered the radical shift in sexual morality, even in fairly conservative churches?

• Undoubtedly, the constant pressure of the secular entertainment industry played a role.  We have been bombarded by stories and images of extramarital sex, so that the Christian tradition suddenly looks alien and archaic. 
• Also, the public and governments’ views of marriage are shifting from the biblical definition (by including same-sex covenants), so that many may wonder what it really means in today’s world to get married.  Perhaps we should begin to think of marriage primarily as a covenant made before the Lord and our Christian community, and not in the first place as an administrative act before the government. Could we thereby lower the threshold of marriage for young couples while increasing its significance? 
• As mentioned earlier, the reluctance of the churches to build a clear case and set a public standard created the situation that allowed this shift to happen. This suggests: we need a reformation!
• Also, the new hermeneutic will be used to relativize the teachings of Paul.  At first glance we might think that Harper also uses extra-biblical sources to find out what Paul is saying, but in this case there is no redefining of Paul’s terms, but rather a confirmation of what the church has always taught!
• Finally, many or most parents refuse to maintain strict guidelines about ‘living in sin’ if it affects their own children. So, the typical response I get about this issue and the issue of Christian young people living with unbelievers is, “Ah, but you must try to understand the youth today!”  This suggests that we must listen to their emotional arguments to move the God-given boundaries.  Apparently, many see it as more important to maintain the peace with our children than to please our Father-God! 

 I would like to call on the churches return to biblical norms; if we do this, we would probably witness true revival where we can see and experience God’s power in a new and greater way!

*The Gospel and Sex, by Tim Keller

http://www.christ2rculture.com/resources/Ministry-Blog/The-Gospel-and-Sex-by-Tim-Keller.pdf